more behaviourist creep-tasticness

while i was researching my last post i googled "token economy" and the first link after the wiki article was for the website kidsmakingchange.com. i cant get there banner picture to show so you might as well click over so you have an idea what im talking about.

the egg family (kinda looks like a veggie-tale knock-off) and what is in their eyes. for the mother, it's a heart. the father, a star. the child, a dollar sign. the site is not very easy to navigate. it mostly regurgitates the same thing imploring the visitor to sign up for all the secrets.

but back to the egg family's focus. the heart - is the mother acting with love as her intention? or is she looking for "good behaviour" as a sign of love? how many times have you heard "if you really loved me, you'd do...?" is she only willing to love if the behaviour warrants it? the start - does the father see the child's potential, their inner strengths? or does the father see a "good" child as a "star" and the only way to be popular/successful is through "good" behaviour?

in kohn's other book unconditional parenting, he states the use of "time outs" (the short cut of "time out from positive reinforcement") is conditional parenting. the parents' love/time/attention is all based on child's behaviour and whether it is up to snuff. his major complaint about time outs are they often arent used in a constructive way to talk about actions or their repercussions. a child who hits another may need a break to cool down and to keep from further harming themselves or others. the parent may need a break to comfort the victim and to get their own head level, but ultimately it's foolish to think a child in the heat of the moment is going to "think about what they did" simply because they were told head to the naughty mat. a more productive and longer lasting, and longer to achieve, method would be to talk about what lead to the altercation and then talk about why the current actions were not appropriate and what can be done differently next time.

this can be hard to see when one is in the mists of an angry child, a hurt child and a frustrated adult but the main point is children are not trees you can prune to grow against a wall, or dog to train or blank slates to imprint with whatever notions you have about the word. and they certainly arent wild horses that need to be broken by sticker charts and tickets and the parental cold-shoulder to get used to the yoke of civility. they are human beings worthy of respect (and one can give boundaries and regulations with respect) and dignity. eventually, given the proper amount of time and teaching, children will learn to be respectful citizens to whatever degree they possibly can.

but regardless of the parent's motivations, the egg-child's focus is plain and ultimately the most disturbing. the reward. whether it's literally money, or a prize, or parental approval and affection. whether the child has learned life is better when we are nice to others or sharing chores makes us self-reliant and leaves more free time for us all, or sometimes you just have to do things even if they arent all that fun, is left to be said.

alfie kohn was right

buddyone has not been extremely open with what he does in school. he says "it just fell out of my brain" whenever i ask at pick up time. eventually a few little stories will bubble out during the evening. husband and i have to exchange notes because he rarely tells us the same events.

last week was the start of school and either the first or second day, the only thing he could tell me was he got 5 tickets for "being good." red flag. usually "being good" in children means being complacient/quiet/convienent automatons. and if he got 15 by friday he could get a treasure out of the treasure box. oh lord. but i said "oh. ok" and dropped it for more important school day activities.

then friday rolls around. buddyone was very excited to get his treasure - a blue jelly pencil grip. he got 21 tickets and husband asked if he got to keep them. no. that's not fair, husband exclaims. drop it, i tell husband. to buddyone, that's a really neat treasure; im glad you like it. and off we go out to jumping party for one last time on our summer pass.

later that evening, buddyone's going to the bathroom and im talking to him, trying to get a few more details about this token economy system. the following paraphrased exchange ensues. i have omitted repeated paths of inquiry.

me: do you like your pencil grip?
buddyone (b1): yep

me: did everyone get to pick a treasure?
b1: no, M (a little girl) didnt get enough tickets

me: she didnt get enough?
b1: yeah. she didnt listen.

me: oh. that's sad. you had extras, could you have shared yours?
b1: but then i wouldn't get a treasure

me: was she sad she didnt get a treasure?
b1: no (comment: maybe she's just a resilient gal, or didnt show her dissapointment but i personally know of no child that is fine being left out while everyone around them is getting something.)

me: but you had 6 extra (break for mini math lesson).
b1: we can't. that's against the rules.

me: (trying a new path) could you help M to listen
b1: but then i wont get any tickets

me: when does M not listen?
b1: she wiggles during nap time.

(this part is extremely ironic because buddyone is an insufferable wiggler in general, but especially at bedtime. talks a lot, too.)

me: maybe she's not tired
b1: no. she just wont listen and then everyone will start talking and wiggling.

me: did you fall asleep?
b1: yes
me: did other people start talking?
b1: no
me: than she didnt disrupt anyone.
b1: augh! i dont wanna talk about this anymore.

there was more, but it was of the "second verse, same as the first" variety.

M and buddyone seem cut from the same cloth. they could be best of friends.

ok, you are saying. what the heck was the point of that and who the heck is alfie kohn? in a nutshell, the exchange i had with my son is the quintessential example of why rewards, praise, token economies, and other crap doesnt work. and alfie kohn is an educator and writer and formally trained in psychology. he writes about education and parenting in his fabulous book Punished by Rewards he takes a hard look at what is considered vital parenting (and adult management) practices.

in the most basic form, rewards/praise/bribes take kids in a classroom and turn them into pigeons in a skinner box. do this, get that. dont do this, dont get that. i swear, when i here parents saying "good job/boy/girl" it sounds like they are talking to a pet. and big affectionate responses work. for animals. you wanna train your dog to stop barking at the mail carrier, by all means whip out the treats and belly rubs. but for your kids? come on! have a little more respect for yourself and your child.

in PbR, kohn gives five main reasons why rewards dont work (in any meaningful way). they are:

1. Rewards Punish
2. Rewards Rupture Relationships
3. Rewards Ignore Reasons
4. Rewards Discourage Risk-taking
5. Rewards change how people feel about what they are doing

Rewards Punish - This boils down to basic control. do this, get that. dont do this, dont get that. Kohn also shows evidence of people who use rewards often also show a greater tendency to use punishments.

Rewards rupture Relationships - rewards rarely lead to collaboration and instead foster jealousy and strife between parties as they work for a single prize or "if we are all good" prize and inevitably some one isnt. Later in the book Kohn also mentions that rewards can polarise a person's view about their abilities, based on rewards received, and other's abilities, based on rewards received.

Rewards Ignore Reasons - Some people are not good test takers, other's arent interested in the topic at hand, other's have a higher energy level. (i would hate to think i couldnt have gotten my job several years ago because i had a horrible sinus infection and couldnt type "Egyptian" at 80wpm) this doesnt make them stupid, ill-tempered, hyper-active. but when rewards are based only for limited parameters, those who cant obtain them for whatever reason, are left out.

Rewards Discourage Risk-Taking - Kohn finds study after study showing that people will do exactly the "this" to get "that" and little more. people will often go out of their way to find the easiest "this" to get "that."

And lastly rewards ultimately kill any joy in doing the "this." Study after study has shown the more people are rewarded for doing something, the less actual interest they have in it. way to take learning and being a good citizen and strangling all meaning out of it.

really, the book is fascinating. It's a scholarly read but well worth plugging through. highly recommended if you are a parent, work with children or "manage" adults.

So let's recap. Can you spot all the "reward fail" in the exchange between me and my son?

• because of the token economy, the tickets/rewards were some of the most enthusiastic things i heard from my son about his first week of school. not friends names or what he did at recess.
• he was unwilling to help a friend for fear of losing rewards/was not able to help a friend with his extra tickets.
• a child was forced to sleep/punished for inability to sleep simply because it was naptime and they werent tired
• he "assumed the worst" based on M's inability to sleep during the scheduled time and couldnt think of a reason why she wouldnt be sleepy.

sulla survived kindergarten

just came home from school. im slowly coming to realise besides tuition there's also going to be "opportunity" costs. unless i can find someone to carpool with, i'm going to use up the same amount of gas in one week that would usually last me two. that's not counting if i have to go somewhere outside the direct to and from route - like to the fort worth library or to the park. and there's a sonic on bryant irving - when it's hot, like today, and my ass is dragging, there's 2bucks for beverages (i wonder why their "happy hour" is during school pick-up time.)

but im making the most of the trips by picking up mulch/manure every time.

good hausfrau, badparent

yesterday i

• did a load of laundry and hung it to dry
• mopped the kitchen
• cleaned the bathroom
• cleaned and re-orged the laundry room
• took down outdoor halloween decorations
• fished toy bits out from under the entertainment center in the play room (im kicking myself for forgetting the tv in there for the garage sale over the weekend.)
  

to do all this, i let buddyone play on the computer from 7:30am until past noon.

speaking of buddyone, here's another story about him from yesterday.

after bathtime, i was swabbing buddyone's ears (usually husband does it) and i saw something. thought it was a big ear booger. im sure you know where this is going. nope there is a "foreign body" in there. when i asked buddyone if he putting something in his ear, he answered "im not telling" which almost always means "yes." and when he finally agreed he put something there, he said he did it "a long long time ago when i was three." and it was "a sticky from the red box. this long (hands held out 6+inches)." i havent a blooming clue what he's talking about. so he's not going to school tomorrow, potentially, so we can go to the doctor and fish that thing out.

im fairly sure it's the hand thingee to a lego person. gawd only knows how long it's actually been in there.

and on the buddytwo front: he was super awesome yesterday. i would not have been able to get all that done if he wasnt in a great mood. he played by himself a lot of the day and otherwise "helped" me. he's also doing the cutest shit lately. he says "geh goo" (thank you) all the time and loves listening to raffi and "yeah yeahs" (yeah yeah yeahs). and he says "o-kay" it's adorable. i think he is growing out of his rapid cycling baby bipolar-ness. and the other day he sat on the little potty of his own volition and peed.

happy birthday to meee!

first the bad news, I seem to have misplaced my grocery money envelope. granted it only had 20 dollars left in it, but im still pissed. so i had to take from my gas money. kroger had fuji apples for 97cents a pound and they had a bag of bananas for 50cents. there's nothing wrong with them. one i had wasnt even ripe. and strawberries were cheap so we now have lots of fruit in the house, if nothing else.

saturday was my birthday. husband took the boys to the air show with grandpa. i stayed home and puttered in the front yard. i trimmed the hedges, raked leaves, mulched with said leaves and hedge trimmings, put my butterfly bush (that i started from a cutting) and lemon balm in the ground, did some decorative edging with stones around the yard. and i even cut down two of the weed trees along the property line. one had grown through the chain link fence so getting it out is going to be a pain in the dupa. and i put down some buffalo grass seed in a bare spot. then husband and i went out to medi cafe, ate good middle eastern food and shared a hookah. and before that we got a bottle of wine (it's a B.Y.O.B. establishment) and i found a thomas DVD for only 5 dollars - one more present down for buddytwo (the other one i got at a garage sale for 50cents!) then we came home and watched the bourne ultimatum that i borrowed from the library.

when husband gets his bonus, im getting my bike fixed. and i found a double burley on craigslist. i just hope it's still available.

buddytwo said his first sentence this last week. "hi, kitty." and he knows a lot more of his body parts than i thought. i was "type a" with buddyone to get him to learn vocab. lately he has been pointing to his eyes and saying "eye-eeee" so on a whim i asked him where his head was, and he points to his head. mouth, mouth. leg, leg. ears, ears. and just tonight buddyone used the word "delicate." i dont think ive ever really used it. fragile, yes. delicate, not so much. maybe he learned it from word girl or martha speaks.

this week proves why i dont want to homeschool

back when i was pregnant with buddyone and was thinking about how superawesomecrunchy i was going to be, homeschooling was high on the list. this has been seriously reassessed.

ive fallen into a "im going to read all the kid psych books and be a k-rad el33t parent" kick and i found a few that really helped. it's nice when you read a book and think "holy shit they are talking about my kid(s)." that book would be raising your spirited child.

so lets do a break down.

frodo puts the extra in extrovert. he's intense, though not easily frustrated. extremely persistant (i think this insulates him from frustration to a degree. if at first you dont succeed, try try again.) - just today we were at thrift town and he wanted a bubble blowing machine - we werent getting it and he just kept saying "but it only needs batteries (the boy is OBSESSED with batteries), mom." a lady told me she was getting a good laugh out of his insistence. we need to start saving for law school, me thinks. hes not very sensitive - just the usual toddler quirks - salsa is too spicy but he loves frank's red hot sauce but pretty perceptive - he once got "woken up" from a nap because he noticed a string hanging off a ratty towel that was hanging on our bed. he's fairly regular - wakes up and sleeps almost the same time every day.

and for the bonuses - energy. haha! he broke the mold when it comes to energy. jumps right in to most activities - i still get the "i dont like..." when it comes to dinner and then two seconds later he's licking the plate clean. and he's a positive kid. easy to smile (which is great cause i can show off his dimples like i had something to do with them.)

sam - take everything i said and flip it. look up introvert in the dictionary and there he is. ok well dont flip everything. sam is also extremely intense. when he cries he WAILS. at nine months old, he was having full-blown-throw-down-on-the-floor-heaving-shoulders cry-fests if the fridge closed without him being allowed to play in it first. easily frustrated. very tender-hearted. where frodo might cry (though very infrequently) if he fell because he hurt himself or surprised by the fall, sam will cry simply because he fell. and he's persistent - again with the fridge incident. unlike frodo, sam will go into a room and play with a toy. it's refreshing to watch him play with something the way it was "meant to" instead of just carrying a toy car around.

here's where they are different. sam is sensitive. it actually bothered me i couldnt just nurse him where ever and whenever. we did need to find a quiet place to nurse. he is a picky eater - presentation is very important. and i would assume he feeds off others' emotions - ill find out a bit more once he's gets more language skills. perceptive - he stays "on task" a lot more than frodo. so less "perception."

adaptive - not so much. this might fall in the "sensitivity" column but activities like changing diapers, getting dressed, getting in the car are all very very very hard for him. these activities are hard on frodo, but it seems more like he hates getting dressed (and before diapers) because he has to stop what he's doing or stand still for a certain amount of time and follow directions - but he's laughing and smiling. sam, you would think you were physically harming him the way he screams and screams. though he does like putting his shoes on.

regularity - nope. frodo was an attached to the boob baby. sam was more lackadaisical about nursing as a baby. i never know what he is going to nap and then getting to sleep is a struggle. eats when he's hungry, but i never know when that will be.

energy - no where near as much as frodo. sam is currently sick and mopey. frodo, on the other hand, never loses energy when he's sick. actually, the one time i knew he was really really sick was when he actually sat in one place all day - a trip to the ER confirmed pneumonia - the next day, though, he was bouncing around again.

first reaction - very very very slow to warm up. waves good-bye only after they are in their car. back to food presentation - often time he wont take the first spoonful if i try to feed him. he's got to do it himself.

mood - he smiles and laughs enough, but is mellower and more melancholy. emo is a good word.

so here we go. ive got two very high-maintenance, spirited kids. for different reasons. frodo needs people. he needs to run around. staying home, not a good option. sam, needs me and thats about it. half the time, if we go out, sam wants to leave, frodo doesnt. or frodo is getting a bit overstimulated and boisterous and we need to go, but sam is good and wants to stay. sam needs a nap and a hug. frodo wants me to build some big ass thousand plus lego thing. again, this is why church with them sucks. im tugged in 8o gazillion emotional/physical directions everyday right now without trying to give them book learnin'. of course, i knew all this stuff before reading this book. but now it's all laid out so nicely and i can write a tl;dr blog post about it.

this is another reason why "two and im through!"

cheap thrills

yesterday day i got:

• a mini cast iron frying pan, perfect for a single egg or grilled sandwich.
• a toaster oven that was the half price sticker colour of the day
• a cool workbook for octavian once he gets much older
• a blueberry baby bush
• an axe
• 5 very new looking garbage can lids and a rubbermaid container that i can use as a wheelbarrow from the trash trailer next door
• someone to come and take out all the plants i cant stand from my front yard
• someone to give me some wild raspberry cuttings.

i think we are going to do a year moritorium on toys this year. (lets see if i can convince family members to comply - set up a "send the kids to college" fund or something.) my mom sent all the boys's xmas presents and it was like xmas all over again. and with agrippa's birthday coming next month, i just cant justify spending money on yet another thing - though he will be getting a "the king" car because he loves the other "kings" we have. im going to find a kindermusik class for him - i just need to find something agrippa and octavian can do together.

money, or a lack there of

so we have a certain amount of money in the bank and three things will probably happen in the next 12-18 months. 1 - that i want to go back to school. 2 - we are looking into private school for frodo and eventually sam. and 3 - my car will probably need replacing. 4. and some crazy expensive act of god will happen to the house - like we will need to replace the roof or something.

it really is this crappy death spiral of circumstances. im going to need a car to get to school. but if i buy a car, i cant pay for school. i need to go to school so i can get a job doing something meaningful to help pay for kiddos to go to school. and until then, i will need to cover some sort of day-care costs for kiddos, which costs money, so i need a job - and one that will make enough for it to be worth it. ARGH!! i remember reading the price of motherhood back when buddy one was first born and i was working full time and while i read it and understood it, i never really grasped the feeling of helplessness when one leaves the workforce/looks to reenter because of kids.

plus im dealing with some feelings of inadequacy about changing careers. i can see it now...

MLIS choosing people: ok. you were an english major...good. then you were a secretary for 2 years? and havingnt been working for 2+. and now you want to be a librarian...rrriiigght. and why should we let you in?

me: cause i like books?

looking at the requirements for applying requires 3 personal/professional references and a personal statement. oy. im already freaking out about it. but im determined to make it work - i will rehash my bosses - i kept sending them christmas cards for a reason!! - and find some time to volunteer/work at the libraries i frequent. plus maybe work at starbucks.


in lighter notes, ive gotten back in the super thrifty mode. i borrowed the complete tightwad gazette from the library again and got some good ideas for stuff. every time i get it, i think i should buy it, but even amy says to borrow it from the library to save money.

so heres some of the ways im stretching our money:

method laundry detergent: when we were in the market for a new washer and dryer, i really wanted to bite the bullet and get the more expensive front loaders because they use less water - very important in drought prone areas. i like method because it is bio-degradable, crunchy-approved, and super HE concentrated. for 12.99, the bottle says i get 64 loads of laundry.

i bought a jug of it when we moved in early september. i just now bought a new bottle. now give or take a few weeks when i was out of town, thats over three months of laundry. i did the math and i do about 8 loads of laundry a week. 3 of those are "heavy" - diapers. 12 weeks times 8 loads equals 96 loads of laundry. well over what the bottle said. that works out to 13ish cents a load. granted tide or some other generic detergent is cheaper, but they arent as concentrated, i hate the smell, plus have all those crappy chemicals im trying to avoid. now i just cant wait until spring when i can start line drying again.

baking more: it figures that with the weeks of blah weather, i should have been a baking fool. but i didnt. i need to do more.

gardening: one nice thing about living in a southern part of the country is that spring starts in february. im reading up on canning from TwG cause i wanna grow lots of tomatoes. and there are two fence posts left in the backyard that im going to use as a latice for climbing plants.

it's an action...adventure...porno

not really. but i love orgazmo.

with the kiddos being sick i missed the monthly meeting for 1919 hemphill. they are looking for a librarian to help with the lending library and i totally wanna be an anarcha...feminist....librarian...doula. im so hungry for activist connection and stuff. im a libra, which means i can be extremely indecisive. im still not sure what i wanna be when i grow up. i could totally see myself going to law school. or being a librarian. next summer im going to start training to be a post-partum doula, eventually a birth doula, but for the next few years, i need steady hours. and after that, i think i will go get my MSW. and ive been really obsessing lately about my previous job as a secretary/paralegal. why cant i do it all!?!?!?!

and in case you are interested, here are boromir's favourite youtubes:

monkey fall out boy
kittycat fall out boy
foo fighters
toadies - i come from the water
dinosaur pearl jam

and this post is going to be all over the place

found an article about breastfeeding research over at hathor. after a whole bunch of hemming and hawing comes this:

Dr. Wendy Slusser, a pediatrician and director of the UCLA Breastfeeding Resource Program, said she didn't understand the need for a 400-page report on breast-feeding and health. "Breast-feeding is better than formula . . . isn't that enough?" she asked. She questioned whether it really mattered that breast-feeding "does prevent this or doesn't prevent that."

you'd think, right?

plumbing is for wusses

this weekend. our washing machine started backing up into the kitchen sink. and then the dish washer didnt drain. thankfully we have the front loading kind that doesnt use lots of water, or the kitchen would have been swamped.

so out came rescue roover. thank jebus for our home warranty. i think it has already "paid for itself" with these two repairs.

so now i can do laundry! yeay??

tuck may have asthma. it's still too early to get a real diagnosis but his snoring, the "forgetting to breath," frequent and pretty severe colds could be attributed to it. my mom said i needed breathing treatments when i was younger and outgrew it, so ive got my fingers crossed.

ming ming is being bizarre. he's been asking to take naps. i think the cold he had, that tuck got and is in it's current nasty form, has gotten a second wind. blah!!

and christmas is a week away. im getting really excited. we bought a real tree this year and it smells wonderfully. and it looks oh so pretty with the three ornaments we have! my folks have been having gifts sent here and ming ming keeps wanting to open them, but i have to say santa is dropping them off and if he sees them, he will come back and take them. tuck seems to understand whats going on, too. he's not very happy that ming ming gets to open his lego advent calendar every day, and he gets nothing. im a bad mama. but he's getting awesome presents so i hope i can make up for it.